The Heavy and The Comma Button
by Samuel Brooks
Summary: What happens when the Heavy tries to play some of the other classes? Please R
1. The Death Of Sasha

The sun was, as always, beating down hard on Badwater Basin. The dry summer heat made the work of the men there all the harder. The pure radiating heat of gunfire and explosions made the battlefield a sauna, exhausting even the fittest BLU Mercenaries, and covering them with sweat. It didn't help that, on top of fighting for their lives against equally determined opponents, they had to push an enormous, live bomb across about a mile of mine track.

The Engineer gripped the back of the cart, pushing it inch by inch. The sun had heated the metal of the bomb itself to the point that the Engineer couldn't even touch it with his gloved hand. He glanced over at the Soldier, who had both bare hands gripping the bomb's side, and was pushing it forward with a grimace of anger. The Engineer was amazed at the discipline the Soldier's military career had given him.

Suddenly, the Engineer lost his grip on the cart. It wasn't exactly his fault; it was tricky to hold on when you were being thrown through the air by the force of a sentry rocket hitting you in the side. The Soldier ducked as the Engineer flew over him, flailing madly. He smacked into a wall and dropped to the ground, injured, but alive.

"Take cover!" The Soldier yelled to the Scout, who was pulling the cart from the front, "get the cart in between you and the sentry!"

They both dove behind the bomb cart, sentry bullets impacting the side of the bomb uselessly. The loud sound of lead striking steel made it difficult to hear each other, so they kept strategizing brief.

"Did you bring some of that drink with you, kid?" The Soldier yelled.

"No, I brought my pistol. I'm hoping to get the "Gun Down" achievement!" The Scout yelled back.

"Well, that's damned convenient, isn't it?" grunted the Soldier, "We need backup, a lot of it!"

*******

The BLU Heavy Weapons Guy stepped out of the resupply, holding his namesake. She was 150 kilograms of sheer destructive power, capable of a greater rate of fire than any weapon on the planet. It took a ridiculous amount of physical endurance to fire her without breaking your own arms from recoil. At close range, she could reduce anyone and anything to shreds in seconds. Her name was Sasha.

The Heavy carried the massive gun out into the sunlight, the BLU Medic following close behind. He revved up his weapon as the Medic latched the Medibeam onto him. The Heavy looked ahead at the battlefield he would soon tear apart with bullets. The mine track turned to the left and into a tunnel built into the rocky hills. The Heavy had been informed that the mine cart was already outside the tunnel, and it was no longer the most direct route to them. Straight ahead was a slight incline, which ended with a small cliff edge that brought anybody going over it back to the track again. There was a nook built into the side of the 10 foot high cliff, and that was the location of the sentry currently pinning the BLUs down. The only thing standing between the Heavy and the sentry was the REDs covering the battlefield.

With his Medic in tow, the Heavy charged forward. The nearest RED, a Scout, yelled to his teammates, warning them of the incoming behemoth. The Heavy turned his weapon on the Scout as the Scout charged forward with his bat. It took seconds for the minigun to rip the Scout to pieces. The Heavy continued onwards, opening up on a Pyro, charging him head-on with his Backburner blazing. The Pyro fell just as easily as the Scout before him and the other REDs that would come after him.

An arrow flew from the left and stuck into the Heavy's arm. He glanced at it with all the indifference of a man glancing at a mosquito. The Sniper who had managed to hit him had foolishly done so within Sasha's range. He might have recognized his mistake as $237,400 worth of custom-tooled minigun cartridges ripped through his body. The BLU Medic plucked out the arrow in the Heavy's arm, and continued to heal him.

A RED Soldier standing right at the edge of the small cliff which the Heavy was now no more than 20 feet away from, charged forward, firing his rocket launcher. The first rocket flew harmlessly over the Heavy's head. The second hit the dirt at his feet, kicking up dust around him. The third flew past him on the right, another wasted shot. The fourth, a critical, hit him right in the chest. The Heavy stopped for only a moment, as the superficial cuts and bruises the rocket had caused closed in seconds. The Soldier stared in amazement as the Heavy grinned, shook off what should have been a deadly blow, and unleashed his minigun on him.

The Medic's Medigun was by now fully charged. The Heavy paused on the top of the cliff, directly above the enemy sentry. He told the Medic to activate the charge, and then leaped into the air. As he fell, he turned around, and landed directly facing the sentry. The sentry locked on and fired, but was unable to damage his glowing blue body. Laughing jovially, the Heavy unleashed Sasha's might on the Sentry, it's creator who stood next to it, and his dispenser. None of the three withstood the barrage, and soon the Heavy was firing into nothing but a pile of twisted metal and flesh.

As the blue energy emanating from his body flickered out, the BLU team cheered and congratulated the Heavy on his impressive rampage. The Heavy hugged Sasha affectionately, and told her that she had done well.

A strange sound caught the Heavy's attention. It was a soft _thunk,_ like something hitting the ground. The sound happened again, and the Heavy realized it was coming from his feet. He looked down to see two RED sticky bombs. His eyes widened as a third landed next to them with another soft _thunk_. The third one was sparkling with electricity.

"Oh, this is bad!" shouted the Heavy, and then everything went black.

******

Heavy awoke in a daze. He opened his eyes and was temporarily blinded by bright, fluorescent light. He was vaguely aware that he was laying on a gurney, in what must have been a Resupply room. When everything came into focus, he saw his team staring down at him.

"Hey! He's awake!" said the Scout, smiling.

"You scared us a bit there, mate," Said the Sniper, "we never seen anybody take a beating like that."

"Ugh… what happened?" grunted the Heavy, "Did we complete the mission?"

"Ya, totally," The Scout said, "we propped you up on top of the bomb while you were out cold. You were still breathin' so the cart kept moving. Good thing we remembered to pull you off before the cart fell in the pit, eh?"

"I was able to ride atop the bomb with you, and keep you alive," The Medic explained, "for the umpteenth time, you're alive because of me."

"Where is RED Demoman who tried to blow me up?" the Heavy demanded.

"The bloody coward ran off after detonating the stickies," The Demoman answered, between swigs of his bottle, "He's an insult to Scotsmen and Demomen alike! I ought to strangle him with me bare hands!"

"I'm going to kill him myself!" declared the Heavy, "Sasha and I are going to spend an hour pumping so full of bullets, he'll piss lead paint!"

At the mention of Sasha, the Heavy's teammates became somber. The Heavy asked what was wrong. Slowly, they stood aside as the Soldier and the Pyro worked together to carry Sasha over to him. Her handles were broken off. Her ammo drum was crushed and torn open. Her six barrels were a twisted mangled mess.

"Sasha! No! Why?!?!" The Heavy screamed in horror.

"The only reason you survived the sticky explosion was that your minigun took the brunt of it," the Medic explained, "it's a marvel of engineering, but it can only take so much damage. I'm sorry, my friend."

"Sashaaaaa!!!!" The Heavy bawled, "Noooooooo!!!!"


	2. Rageswitch

"He looks really upset," the Scout whispered

"That man lost a weapon he considered a friend. He's allowed to be sad." The Soldier whispered back

"Maybe we should go in there and talk to him." The Scout said.

The two of them were peering into the base's mess hall, where the Heavy was eating a sandwich. He looked downtrodden, and occasionally sniffled, though he wasn't crying. There was a rumour floating around the base that he was resigning from BLU.

The Scout and the Soldier strolled in, trying to look casual. The Soldier went to the vending machines and got a couple of beers. The Heavy was either ignoring them, or too busy staring at the Polaroid of him and Sasha to notice them there. The Scout decided to get his attention.

"H-hey there, pal," he began, awkwardly, "sorry about what happened to Sara."

"Sasha." The Heavy corrected. Any other day he would have pounded the kid's face in for getting Sasha's name wrong, but now he was almost too upset to care.

"Right, sorry," The Scout said, "what are ya eatin', there?"

The Heavy looked at his sandwich, then at the Scout, then back to his sandwich.

"A burger," he replied, with a straight face.

The Soldier chuckled. The Scout grimaced slightly, irritated at being mocked.

"What's on it?" the Scout asked

"Scout." The Heavy answered

"Hehehe, that's pretty funny," The Scout said, before noticing the Heavy wasn't laughing.

"Right, I'll just- uh, I'll… see ya." The Scout stammered, backing out of the room.

The Soldier glanced after the Scout, and then looked at the Heavy curiously.

"It's just ham." The Heavy assured him.

The Soldier nodded and sat down. He handed one of the beers to the Heavy, who thanked him. They opened them and took a swig.

"Sorry about your weapon," the Soldier said, "She was good at killing those RED team ladies."

"Thanks," the Heavy replied

"It always hurts to lose a weapon that's important to you," The Soldier continued, "Let me tell you about this one time in '43, in Berlin. I had this one really good shotgun. It had a few dozen dashes carved into the stock- one for every Nazi I'd killed with it. Anyway, I ran out of ammo in the middle of battle, so I used it as a club. It got jammed in a Nazi's skull, and I had to leave it behind."

The table was silent for a moment or two. The Heavy finished his sandwich and then chugged down the rest of his beer.

"Listen, Heavy, I've heard you're leaving BLU," The Soldier began, "You're a damn good mercenary, and I'd hate to lose ya."

"I just wouldn't be a good Heavy Weapons Guy without Sasha," The Heavy groaned, "She completed me."

"Have you considered trying out as a Soldier? It's not too different from your usual work, and you get a pretty powerful new weapon," The Soldier offered.

The Heavy pondered this, and shook his head, "I can't go on without Sasha."

"Look, son, its times like these that test a man's true mettle. You can retire in Sasha's memory, or pay tribute to her with revenge. You can let yourself be defeated by RED, or show them evidence of your thirst for justice in the disfigured, dismembered, exploded corpses of their brothers you leave behind you. Be cruel to them, as they were cruel to Sasha. Sound good?"

"Not really." The Heavy said simply, "Nice speech, though."

"Ya, it's mostly plagiarized." The Soldier admitted, before adding, "You can get a chance to kill that Demoman."

The Heavy's eyes lit up, "I'd forgotten about that! I still need to give him payback, don't I?"

"That is what I want to hear!" The Soldier said, as he stood up, "Get a Soldier's uniform and equip the appropriate weapons. We move out for 2fort at 0600 tomorrow morning!"


	3. Inglorious Soldiers

The Heavy and the Soldier were in 2Fort's hay room, preparing for the Heavy's first day as a Soldier. The Heavy was dressed in a soldier's uniform, which had needed to be custom-made to fit him. The metal helmet on his head barely fit, resting on the top of the head like a hat, and it looked rather ridiculous. The Soldier was briefing the Heavy on his new arsenal.

"The rocket launcher's main strength is its adaptability. It can be deadly at any distance, particularly at medium range. It has a fast firing rate, which very high damage output on each shot."

The Heavy looked over the rocket launcher in his hands. It looked rather small in comparison to him, and he held it more like a rifle than a shoulder-mounted weapon.

"You're familiar with the shotgun, I'm sure, but as a Soldier, you'll be using it more often. The rocket launcher becomes dangerous even to it's user at very close ranges, which wasn't a problem for you before. The shotgun is also very helpful when your rocket launcher is out of ammo, and you don't have time to reload."

The Heavy spun the shotgun around on his finger. It was the only weapon which hadn't changed for him.

"And finally, your shovel; you won't be using this much, but it still warrants mention. There's nothing more satisfying than beating somebody to death with-"

"Can I dig holes with it?" The heavy asked

"No, it can't actually be used like that," The Soldier admitted.

"But it's a shovel," The Heavy pointed out.

"Ya… but… actually, that's a good point," The Soldier agreed.

Suddenly an alarm rang out through the base.

"Alert! Alert! RED troops are approaching over the bridge!"

The Heavy and Soldier rushed to the main door of the base. The Heavy loaded up his weapons, while the Soldier peaked out the doorway to get a look at the attackers.

"Excellent; it's a W+M1 Pyro, a Battle Medic, and an SMG Sniper," The Soldier reported, "Anybody could beat that. This'll make good practice for juggling."

"Juggling?" The Heavy asked curiously

"Yes, Juggling is a technique where you fire your rocket launcher at the feet of an enemy, propelling them into the air. Then as they fall back down, you shoot another rocket under them, propelling back up again."

There came a sound of shotgun blasts outside. The Soldier looked around to discover the Heavy had run off while he was talking. The Soldier glanced out to find that the RED attackers were already dead. The Heavy was standing there, physically juggling their bodies.

"Oh for the love of- stop doing that!" The Soldier ordered

The Heavy unceremoniously dropped them. As the Medic hit the ground he made a slight yelp of pain.

"I think that one is still alive," said the Soldier.

The Heavy pulled out his rocket launcher and aimed it at the Medic directly at his feet.

"No, don't-" The Soldier began to warn as the Heavy fired.

The Heavy was thrown back by the explosion, colliding with one of the support beams of the bridge roof. He dropped to the ground dazed.

"Uh… well, it looks like we just covered the self-damage lesson." The Soldier said, scratching his head.

"You kill RED babies with a gun that tries to kill you at the same time?!" The Heavy asked in amazement.

"Well, sort of. Self-damage is dangerous, but it can also be used to your advantage. By jumping and firing at your feet, you can perform a rocket jump, sending you very high up. You can use it to get onto the enemy battlements in seconds."

Taking the Soldier's tip as an order, the Heavy ran for the enemy base. Despite the Soldier's warnings that he didn't have enough training yet, the Heavy attempted a rocket jump. He was propelled up into the air and backwards. At this very moment, the BLU Scout was making an Intel run, and was jumping from the bridge roof to the RED battlements. The Heavy ended up falling back down directly over top of him.

"Oh, holy crap!" The Scout yelled as the Heavy landed on him in mid-air, driving them both to the ground.

There was a painful-sounding crunch as the Scout was squished between the Heavy and the ground.

"Oh God, Scout, are you ok?!" asked the Soldier, as the Heavy climbed off the nearly-flattened Scout, "Should I call the Medic? Can you walk? Say something!"

"N-need a dispenser here!" The Scout whimpered deliriously.


	4. Making A Demo

Two days later, the team had been transferred to Dustbowl. The Heavy's brief foray as a Soldier had ended, after the Soldier called him an embarrassment to Soldiers everywhere. The Heavy was now attempting a new class, and was having just slightly more luck with it.

"Alright, boyo, time to learn what being a Demoman is all 'bout!" The Black, Scottish Cyclops declared.

They were just outside the building which housed the first Control Point, which they had taken earlier that morning. The Scout, still in a few bandages from the accident, was watching in bemusement.

"Our job is to demolish the cocksure dandies of the RED team, destroy their defense line, and then let our teammates pick off whatever's left. First, you- yes? Question?"

The Heavy had waved to get his attention while examining his grenade launcher.

"Why can I only have 4 grenades in grenade gun at once?" The Heavy asked.

"Oh, I use the other two chambers to stash extra shots of Scrumpy." The Demoman said, as he popped his grenade launcher opened and took a swig.

"Oh ya, Scrumpy," The Heavy said, "Why do we need whisky on battlefield?"

"Keeps us in the mood to blow people up," The Demo said, simply, "Also, the bottle can make a good improvised weapon."

The Heavy tried swinging his own Scrumpy bottle around a few times. Just as he was getting the hang of it, he accidentally shattered the bottom of it against the wall.

"Oh no!" The Heavy yelled in surprise, "I broke the bottle!"

"It's okay, laddie, ye can still drink from it." The Demoman assured him.

"…How?" asked the confused Heavy.

"I have no idea."

The Sniper, who was perched precariously on the roof of the building, warned of an approaching RED counteroffensive.

"Time for action," The Demoman cheered," We'll need the Medic for support. Medic!"

The Medic ran up, Medigun ready. They turned to the tunnels the REDs would soon barrel out of. The Medic glanced at the Heavy curiously.

"Vhy is Heavy wearing an eye patch?" The Medic asked, "Both his eyes work fine."

"I, uh, think he thinks I'm a pirate." The Demoman admitted.

"Yaaarrrggh!" The Heavy yelled as he opened fire. The REDs were pulverized by the grenades and driven back a few steps. Soon, however, the Heavy had to reload, and they gained a few feet.

"Quick, lay some stickies at the door to the point!" The Demoman urged.

The Heavy used his sticky launcher to plant some stickies at the door. The REDs hesitated to run over the bombs, but the Heavy didn't notice, and hit the detonator. As luck would have it, the Scout, who was jumping into action as well, was running out of the door at this very moment. The explosion through him back into the building and smacked him into the ceiling. He fell back to the ground and landed face first on the point.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! My legs! The fat ass blew off my legs! Oh God, it's just stumps! Oh, God, this hurts so much! Aaaaaaauuuuggghh!!!"


	5. Erectin' A Disaster

Hi, everybody. Now that I've written four chapters, I figured I'd say a few things.

_Disbandment_ was the longest writing project I've ever done, and I think it turned out quite well. It was only after I finished it that I realized just how dark and depressing it was. Of course, that's what I was going for, but I wanted to be sure I could write something a little lighter, too.

Also, I don't have anything against the Scout. I just needed a running gag and for some reason it's funniest when the Scout gets hurt.

******

"I just ain't sure 'bout this, Heavy," The Engineer explained, "I'm not sure you're Engineer material."

"I like working with sentries," The Heavy replied, "They remind me of Sasha."

The Heavy turned to the Level 2 Sentry next to them. Giggling, he poked at the twin minigun barrels with his new wrench. To his surprise, the top of the sentry suddenly popped open, as the sentry morphed into a Level 3.

"Aak!" The Heavy cried out, leaping back in surprise.

The Engineer chuckled, then shrugged, "Well, alright then, I'll give you a chance. I'll have to train you a bit too; time for Engineering 101."

The Engineer told the Heavy to build a sentry. The Heavy eagerly went to work, removing parts from his tool box and putting them together as best he could. The results were less than pretty. After a couple minutes, the Heavy stood back, and the Engineer and him regarded his workmanship.

"Right, then… that's… not a bad first try," The Engineer began, "Maybe it functions better than it looks."

The Engineer reached into his pocket and pulled out a tennis ball he had painted red. He tossed it next to the Heavy's sentry. The mangled, misshapen contraption slowly- very slowly –turned towards the artificial target. A couple times it stopped moving for a second, churned a bit of smoke, than continued. Finally it was aimed at the ball. There was an awkward silence as the sentry did nothing. Then it crumbled to pieces.

"You know, maybe that is pretty bad for a first try," the Engineer admitted, "Did you follow the schematic like I told you?"

"What's a schematic?" The Heavy asked.

"It's that blue piece of paper that shows how to build the sentry." The Engineer explained.

"You mean the napkin that came in the toolbox?"

There was yet another awkward pause.

"Napkin?" The Engineer repeated

"Ya, I was eating Sandvich and got some on me. I thought the blue paper was a napkin."

The Engineer twitched slightly, before asking, "Do you still have it?"

The Heavy pulled the crumpled blueprint from his pocket. The Engineer took it and carefully stretched it back out. It was encrusted with bits of lettuce, crumbs, and smears of mayonnaise.

"Dagnabbit, Heavy, you idiot!" The Engineer grumbled, "This is a completely mess! How am I supposed to- wait a minute…"

While the Engineer stared perplexed at the ruined schematic, the Scout came running around the corner.

"Need a Dispenser here! Need a Dispenser Here! Need a Dispenser here!" The Scout chanted.

"Hello Scout," The Heavy said, "Good to see you back on your feet."

"Ya, no thanks to you," The Scout snapped, "The Medic told me putting my calves back together was like assembling a jigsaw puzzle. He also said that the several hours of constant Medigun treatment he had to give me increased my risk of cancer later in life by 300%."

"You want Dispenser?" The Heavy asked, oblivious to what the Scout had said.

"Ya, whatever," The Scout sighed.

The Heavy quickly went to work building the Dispenser. He wasn't having an easy time with it. After he finished, the machine was lopsided, the screen was flickering, and there was a bizarre rattling sound coming from it. The Scout thanked him and stood next to it. Nothing happened.

"Why isn't it working, dumbass?" The Scout demanded.

The Heavy glanced at the directions, and scratched his head, "Try giving it a kick."

The Scout kicked the Dispenser lightly. Without warning, the entire machine exploded. The Scout stumbled back, coughing.

"Ow! Damn it! That hurt!" The Scout complained, and looked angrily at the heavy. The Heavy stared back with a look of horror.

"What are you starin' at?" The Scout asked.

The Heavy pointed at the Scout's head. The Scout looked up and noticed the giant shard of glass from the Dispenser screen that had been embedded in his forehead.

"Aaaagh! Uh oh! Uh oh! Oh God, somebody help me! Do I leave it in or do I pull it out? Do I leave it in or do I pull it out?! Aaaaagh!"


	6. Getting Fired

"Mmphhf Mph Mphhf Mpp," The Pyro mumbled through his mask, "Mmppp Mffph Mphff Mpf Mffff"

The Heavy scratched his head. The movement of his arm caused his new fire-proof suit to rub against his skin, setting off another storm of itchiness.

"This suit is itchy!" The Heavy lamented

"Mpht Mphffd Mph Mphtt" The Pyro said

"So all I have to do as a Pyro is set people on fire?" The Heavy asked

"Phrrphy Mph," The Pyro explained, "Phm Phyrr Phymms mphm mph mphu"

"Spycheck? What's that?" The Heavy asked

The Pyro explained how the flamethrower's design couldn't ignite allies, but would ignite enemy spies who were disguised. The Heavy looked over his flamethrower and then the two set off for the battlefield. They saw a RED Sniper who was oblivious to them.

"Mphmpht! Mph Mphk Mphd!" The Pyro said.

The Heavy charged forward and set the Sniper ablaze. The Sniper panicked and drew his kukri, but the Heavy brought his fire axe down on his head before he could use it. The pile of dead, Australian flesh dropped to the ground, burning. The Heavy sniffed the air curiously.

"What smells like bacon?" The Heavy asked the Pyro.

"Phrmphng Mpht."

"Oh. Ewww."

The BLU Scout ran up with his bat at the ready. He glanced at the dead sniper and to the Heavy. He chuckled a little.

"It's ironic, ain't it, Heavy?" The Scout laughed, "Despite that you've almost killed me three times now, you can't even do it now with a _flamethrower_ that you're _supposed_ to shoot me with."

"Oh right, spycheck!" The Heavy said, and shot the Scout with the flamethrower. The Scout stood there, unscathed. The Heavy cocked an eyebrow in surprise.

"The flamethrower didn't ignite the Spy!" He yelled to the confused Pyro. The Heavy quickly drew his flare gun.

"No! No! No! That means I'm _not_ a Spy, you stupid-"

The Heavy shot the Scout in the face with the flare gun. The Scout yelled out in pain and surprise. The Pyro desperately tried to get the Heavy's attention. The Heavy ignored him and drew his axe.

"Oh, Hell no!" The Scout yelled.

He took off, trying to get away from the Heavy. The Heavy chased after him, with the axe held up.

"Spy is running at Scout's speed somehow!" The Heavy yelled.

"Heavy, you're an idiot!" The Scout yelled, just before running into a wall and knocking himself out cold.


	7. Piece O' Piss

"Alright then, Mate," The Sniper said, "Let's talk about being a Sniper."

They had been transferred back to 2Fort, which was still in the same Stalemate as was going on when the Heavy had switched to the Soldier class. This time they were on the battlements. The team had figured that, considering the futility of Snipers on 2Fort, the Heavy couldn't do much harm here.

"Sniping is a good job, Mate," The Sniper continued, "its challenging work, out of doors-"

"This tiny little gun is baby gun!" The Heavy lamented, staring at the sniper rifle which indeed looked quite small in his hands.

"She may be small, but she's one of the deadliest weapons out here," The Sniper retorted, "Just try it. See that Level 1 sentry on the enemy battlements?"

"Ya," The Heavy nodded

"You can kill that gadget in one shot from here." The Sniper boasted

The Heavy raised his rifle, took aim, and fired. The bullet struck the wall behind the battlements, ten feet from the sentry.

"Alright, that was… not a bad first try. Try again." The Sniper reassured

The Heavy fired again. This time it hit ten feet away on the other side.

"Are you having trouble seeing through the scope?" The Sniper asked curiously.

"This gun has a scope?" The Heavy asked in surprise.

The Sniper was silent for a moment. With a sigh, he reached out rose the Heavy's rifle to his eye. The Heavy looked through the scope and his eyes widened in surprise.

"Wow, baby gun can has binoculars on it!" the Heavy said, and before taking out the sentry.

"I might cry." The Sniper said.

Right when the sentry was destroyed, the Scout came running out onto the enemy battlements, the enemy's intelligence strapped to his back. He jumped from the battlements to the bridge, then ran across, and jumped from the bridge to their own battlements.

"Hey, thanks, pal," The Scout said, "Who'd of thought you'd be able to accomplish something without horribly, horribly injuring me."

"Sniper can see far away with baby gun!" The Heavy declared.

"…ya, that's more or less what I was trying to say." The Scout replied.

The sound of an explosion from the enemy battlements drew their attention. Flying over the bridge, propelled by his own bombs, was the RED Demoman, laughing maniacally. He landed gracefully right next to the three BLUs and drew his grenade launcher.

"Oh crap, I gotta go!" The Scout yelled, as he took off for the Intel Room.

Before the Demoman could give chase, The Heavy pulled out his SMG and opened fire. The tiny, hopeless gun only managed to get the Demoman's attention. He glanced at the still firing Heavy, then down to the bullets ineffectually hitting in the chest.

"Uh, Mate, the SMG isn't really all that useful," The Sniper admitted, but the Heavy wasn't listening.

The Demoman stood their, easily withstanding the barrage. He pulled out his whisky and took a swig, wiping his mouth and burping. The SMG finally ran out of ammo, leaving the Demoman no worse for the wear.

"Ha ha ha! Laddie, that was about as pointless as- ack!"

The Demoman's quip had been cut short by the Heavy grabbing him by the neck. In a fit of anger, the Heavy shoved the SMG down the Demoman's throat.

"Dear God, man," The Sniper said in disbelief, as the Demoman stumbled around gagging, "I guess that SMG isn't so useless after all!"

While they watched the Demoman struggle to cough up the gun stuck in his windpipe, the Scout came back out, having gotten the BLU team a point. He looked down at the flailing Demoman in surprise.

"Whoa, man!" The Scout chuckled in amazement, "You could of just used the Kukri!"

"I didn't get Kukri because I wanted the lemonade." The Heavy said

"…what?" The Sniper asked

"I was equipping weapons and I had to choose between Kukri or free jar of lemonade. I picked the lemonade." The Heavy explained.

"You… you didn't drink it already, did you?" The Sniper asked, not particularly wanting to be answered.

"Ya, why?" The Heavy asked, confusedly

Suddenly, the Scout figured out what was being said.

"Oh. My. GOD." He laughed, "The Heavy drank piss! The Heavy drank freakin' piss out of a freakin' jar!"

The Sniper and the Heavy stared at the Scout as he laughed gleefully. He actually fell over, he was laughing so hard.

"L-l-lemonade!" The Scout stuttered through his laughter, "He though a jar of piss was lemonade! Holy freakin' crap! Hahahahaha!"

The Heavy was starting to get annoyed.

"It's not that funny!" The Heavy said, "Stop laughing!"

This just made the Scout laugh harder. Trying to catch his breath, he turned in the direction of the hay room.

"Guys! Hey, guys! The Heavy drank Jarate because he thought it was lemonade!"

The Heavy walked over to the Demoman, who at this point was dead. Reaching into his mouth, he unceremoniously pulled the SMG from the dead guy's throat. Then, with malicious intent, he strode over to the cackling Scout, and grabbed him by the front of his shirt.

"Hey!" The Scout yelled, "What the heck are y- oh no."


	8. Medical Malpractice

The BLU Spy crept slowly along the wall on Well. He was right outside the RED base, and was slinking towards the door. His approach was silent, and his plan was perfect. Wait until a RED walked out the door, kill him and slip through disguised as him. Nobody would suspect a thing. The door opened and the RED Pyro came out, blissfully unaware of the Spy until the mumbling abomination had fallen dead into the water. The Spy put on his Pyro mask and strode into the base.

There were four REDs in view; a Heavy, a Demoman, a Soldier, and a Scout. At the sight of who they believed was their ally, the Scout chuckled.

"What's the matter? No sentries to charge at while firing blindly?" The kid quipped.

The Spy, under the guise of the Pyro, made a show of ignoring the Scout as he walked forward. He would have to carefully eliminate each of them one by one before he took the point. It would take style. It would take finesse. And absolutely nothing could go wrong.

The door burst open to reveal the BLU Heavy, dressed in medical scrubs. In his hands he held a Medigun, which he aimed at the Spy.

"Hey, Teammate! Nice mask! Here, let me give you some health!" The Heavy shouted enthusiastically as he overhealed the Spy, "Yay, I'm helping!"

With that, the Heavy ran back out the door, leaving the Spy glowing from the overheal and all the REDs staring at him blankly.

"Ya?!" Shouted the Spy, "Think I care? I'm still going to kill you all!"

Meanwhile the Heavy rushed back to the Medic, who was with the rest of the team huddled around the other door of the base. The Medic was keeping the BLU Demoman healthy while he was shooting grenades at a sentry on the other side of the door, pinning the BLUs down.

"Vhere were you, Dummkopf?" asked the Medic, "It iz essential that ve finish preparing zat Uber!"

"I am at 87%, Doctor!" The Heavy assured

"Exzellent," The Medic said, "overheal all of us to finish charging ze uber!

The Heavy did as he was told, while the Demoman got frustrated.

"Bloody Engineer is keeping his sentry healthy!" he reported, "I can't take it out like this!"

"I am fully charged, Doctor!" The Heavy announced, "Who do I uber?"

"Ah, yes," The Medic said, "It iz very important to know to uber and who not to uber. For example, ze Scout-"

"Got it!" The Heavy nodded as he locked the Medibeam onto the Scout.

"Wait, what?" The Scout said in surprise, as the uber activated.

"No, Dummkopf!" The Medic shouted, to no avail.

"Go, go, go!" The Heavy said as he pushed the uber-Scout through the door, right into the path of the sentry.

"What? What are you do- oh no!" The Scout stammered as the sentry fired on him.

The bullets impacted his invincible body, not harming him but pushing him away with incredible force. As he was thrown backwards into the air, the sentry fired it's rockets, exploding against the scout and sending him even further.

The BLU team watched in amazement as the Scout was thrown back across the battlefield, a hundred feet in the air. All they could hear from him as he disappeared into the distance was his shout of "I freaking hate you, Heavy!"


	9. Cloak 'n Dumbass

"You simply don't have what it takes, fat man," The Spy said, bluntly, "Being a Spy takes a sort of style and finesse which you do not have."

"I can turn invisible and look like the bad guys, how hard can it be?" The Heavy asked

"There are many useful tools, no doubt, but there is much more to the art of subterfuge and deception than that," The Spy explained, "You must be savvy. You must be inconspicuous. You also have to have a plan B in case some oaf gives you away in front of half the enemy team."

"Heh heh, you're talking about me, aren't you?" The Heavy chuckled

"You almost got me killed! And my suit got ruined! I had to beat a man to death with a _sapper_."

"So how do I do those knife tricks you do?" asked the Heavy, utterly forgetting what they were talking about.

The Spy groaned, "Let's learn the more showy aspects later, first we have to get you ready for combat."

The two of them slipped out of their base (they were once again stationed at 2Fort, which seemed to be trapped in a stalemate forever) and dove into the water beneath the bridge.

"You see, a mindless rocket launcher wielding brute will charge in the front door, as his presence needs no subtlety," The Spy explained as they swam towards the sewer entrance to the RED base, "However, if we do our job right, the enemy will not know we're there until they see us strolling out with their briefcase."

They entered the sewers and turned the corner. Up ahead, there was a RED Medic, standing stupidly with his back turned to them. The Spy grinned and pulled out his knife, slowly sneaking up. The Heavy roared out a battle cry and fired all six bullets of his revolvers at the Medic.

"Oh dear God, we're screwed!" The Spy lamented, "They heard that. They all must have heard that. What the Hell is wrong with you?!"

They waited for several moments, but nobody came to investigate the clamor. The Spy told the Heavy to wait for his cue from now on, and they continued further.

Near the stairs up into the base, they saw an Engineer casually working on his Dispenser. The Spy put his finger to his lips, and both he and the Heavy disguised themselves, Spy as the dead Medic, Heavy as a RED Sniper.

"I want you to go forward and try out your deceptive skills," The Spy whispered, "go up to him and try to convince him you're his ally."

The Heavy nodded and approached the Engineer. His disguise did not cover up his massive size, making him look like the fattest Sniper who ever lived.

"Hey there, teammate!" The Heavy said to the Engineer, "Great day to not be an enemy Spy, eh?"

"What?" asked the Engineer, confused.

"Say, can you go set up your teleporter? I'll guard your Dispenser!"

"I need to get this baby up to level 3 first," explained the Engineer.

"That's fine, say, what's that in the corner over there?" The Heavy asked.

"Is it a Spy?!?!" The Engineer demanded as he whipped around.

The Heavy's attack was unnaturally fast for him. The Spy watched in amazement as the Heavy brought down his knife and then applied the sapper in less than a second. There was one small problem, however. The knife was now jammed and stuck into the back of the Dispenser, and the Engineer was standing there, looking very annoyed, with a sapper stuck to his head.

The Engineer attempted to draw his shotgun, but the Spy leaped at him. He tugged the knife from the dispenser, and the sapper from the Engineer's head, and switched their places. The Heavy was scratching his head, still confused at what he did wrong.

"Okay, your first problem was that you didn't even turn the sapper on," The Spy explained, "Or the Engineer would have been electrified. You also got the attack in the wrong order which could have been fatal had he been working on a sentry instead."

"How do I turn on the sapper?" The Heavy asked, curiously

The Spy began to respond, but was distracted by the sound of somebody approaching from the same direction they had come. The BLU Scout rounded the corner and ran up to them. At the sight of the Heavy, he slapped his hand to his forehead.

"I took the sewer path to avoid you!" The Scout groaned, "It's like me getting injured in increasingly improbable ways is a stupid running gag in a ridiculous comedy!"

"I doubt it," The Spy replied, "At this point I think the author himself would be tired of such a repetitive joke."

While they were talking, the Heavy had resolved to figure out for himself how to turn on the sapper. He had flipped the On Switch, but there didn't seem to be any indicator that the device was active. As the Spy casually glanced at his progress, the Heavy cranked the large dial to maximum.

"Heavy! Be careful!" The Spy warned, "The machine is very dangerous at its highest setting!"

Indeed, as soon as the dial was turned, the machine began humming ominously. As a few sparks and small bolts of electricity appeared around it, the sapper began vibrating menacingly. The Heavy decided he shouldn't hold on to it any longer, and tossed it away. It should be pretty obvious where it landed.

"Aaaauugh! Oh no! Get it off! Get it off!" The Scout yelled, desperately tugging at the sapper that was electrocuting his face.

The Scout ran around in circles, bolts of electricity shooting in all directions from his body.

"Fat man," The Spy said casually to the Heavy, "I think it would wise to get out of this water now."

The both stepped out of the water, up the staircase. Meanwhile, the Scout lose his balance, falling own and submerging the electrical device in the water. The entire sewer flashed with brilliant light, which let out after a few seconds to be replaced by steam rising from the water's surface.

"What smells like burnt hair?" The Heavy asked.


	10. Scouting For Trouble

The Heavy and the Scout were both totally silent. The Heavy was nervously waiting for the Scout to speak. But the Scout did nothing but stare at the Heavy. If there were words to describe how uncomfortable it was, they weren't in the Heavy's limited vocabulary.

"Is silence part of Scout training?" The Heavy asked.

The Scout remained silent.

"You can stare a long time without blinking," The Heavy noted.

"You crushed me, blew my legs off, shoved a glass shard through my skull, set me on fire, shoved a _gun down my throat_, threw me 500 feet, and electrocuted me." The Scout said, flatly, "_Screw_ you."

"Sorry?" The Heavy offered, "If I do a good job as a Scout, will you forgive me?"

"No."

"Oh… will you train me though?" The Heavy asked.

The Scout started to answer, and then stopped. Smiling deviously he replied, "Sure, let's get started."

At the back of his mind, though, the Scout's only thought was _Payback time, you fat bastard._

They set off for their objective: The second last Control Point on Dustbowl. They were the only ones assigned there, so it would be a heck of a mission, even if the Scout was planning on giving the Heavy good advice.

"Alright, see that Sniper in the distance?" The Scout asked, "The scattergun is the best long range weapon you have. Stand in the open and fire at him."

The Heavy was confused at why a glorified shotgun would be good at long range, but did as he was told. Standing out in full view of the Sniper, the Heavy opened up, useless shell after useless shell spraying across the battlefield. Right up until a single pellet from the fourth shot flew to its target and lodged itself in the Sniper's eye. The RED cried out in pain, dropping his rifle. As the butt of the weapon hit the ground, the rifle fired randomly, by pure chance putting a bullet into the Sniper's chin and out the top of his head.

"Wha- what the?!" The Scout said in amazement, as the Heavy stared curiously at the dead Sniper.

"Scattergun is good weapon!" The Heavy declared, "Thanks, Scout!"

"That was a complete fluke!" The Scout lamented, "There's no way that could ever happen again?"

"What?" The Heavy asked, confused.

"I mean, ya, good job, Heavy!" The Scout said, "Let's keep going."

As they passed by where the Sniper had been, the first Point came into view. There was a sentry guarding it, and ahead of that, a Pyro rushing towards them.

"Pyros are best fought at point blank range. Use your pistol. It's great for short range!" The Scout lied.

The Pyro ran up to the Heavy and drenched him in flames. The Heavy clenched his teeth and dutifully began firing his pistol, which looked ridiculously tiny in his hands. The Pyro began circle-strafing the Heavy, easily moving out harm's way of the pistol. Not giving up, the Heavy swept his arm to the side, attempting to get his pistol aimed on the Pyro again. But he was so close, the back of his massive hand ended up striking the Pyro in the side of the head.

The Scout stared dumbfounded as the Pyro dropped like a sack of potatoes. He struggled to figure out how the Heavy had done it, while the Heavy emptied the clip into the fallen Pyro, reloaded, and emptied another clip.

"Okay, okay, stop it," The Scout demanded, "This is so freakin' stupid."

"You are good teacher, Scout!" The Heavy laughed.

"Right, well, all that's left is that sentry. You know what? Run right at it and beat it to death with your bat."

The Heavy nodded and charged forward. The Scout rubbed his palms together in anticipation. Nobody could survive charging straight forward at a Sentry. There was absolutely no way…

The Sentry turned and fired as the Heavy entered its range. The bullets slammed into his chest, but he ignored them and continued forward. The Scout began to wonder why knockback hadn't taken affect. To his amazement, the Heavy's sheer size, coupled with his Scout speed gave him enough momentum to reach the Sentry! Grabbing onto its twin barrels, the Heavy lifted the whole thing off the ground, and slammed it back down. When the machine continued to make sounds, the Heavy slammed it down again.

"What in Sam Hill are you doin' to mah sentry?!" The RED Engineer yelled running up.

The Heavy swung the shattered mass of metal as hard as he could. The destroyed Sentry struck its builder like a giant bat, sending him flying away so hard, he splattered against the wall.

"Alright! For the love of God! I have had enough of this!" The Scout screamed in rage, "You can't do everything wrong and still be a better Scout than me! You should be failing like you always do! What in the Hell is wrong with you?!"

The Heavy stared at the Scout in shock. If he'd done everything he'd been told, why would the Scout be angry? He was just trying to do an extra good job to make up for all the accidents, and he hadn't even hurt the Scout again! The Scout couldn't be mad, unless…

"I spy with my little eye!" The Heavy declared, as he raised his improvised bat over his head.

"Oh no," The Scout whimpered.


	11. Heavy's New Weapon

"And so, we all decided that it trying to get you to change your class was a bad idea," Explained the Soldier.

"A very bad, very painful idea," The Scout added.

"That's why I built you _this_," Declared the Engineer.

The Heavy gazed at the new machine. It was a beautiful behemoth of destructive power. Every inch of looked just like Sasha, save that it lacked the tiny dents and scratches that the Heavy had come to love about his old love. Still, he could tell that he and this new gun would become very close.

"She's built exactly like Sasha was, based on her schematics," The Engineer continued, "It even does that weird thing where it crackles like it's firing Criticals even though it isn't."

"Thank you so much, everyone!" The Heavy cried, happily.

"It wasn't really a team effort, I did all the construction and…"

"I didn't know you all cared so much!" The Heavy continued, clutching the new minigun, "I will call her… Lyudmila!"

The Engineer sighed, and let the Heavy appreciate the new weapon. Everybody else dispersed, not really caring about what they saw as just another gun. Still, they were all glad that the Heavy would finally stop causing problems for them. Nobody was happier than the Scout, who decided he still needed a final word with the Heavy.

"So, Heavy, you gonna stick to your old class from now on?" He asked, hopefully.

"She has that beautiful new gun smell!" The Heavy shouted with excitement.

"I'll take that as a yes," The Scout said, "So you think you can somehow avoid nearly killing me on a daily basis now?"

"I probably can avoid it," The Heavy reasoned, casually, "After all, I was doing it on purpose."

"…what." The Scout said, shocked beyond all ability to express emotion.

"You called Sasha 'Sara'," The Heavy explained, as if it was the most logical thing in the world, "That made me angry."

"You what?!?! Are you out of your mind?!" the Scout exclaimed, "Do you have any idea what you've put me through?! It was all because I said the name of your stupid gun wrong?!"

"Ya."

The Scout shook with frustration, "Fine! Screw You! Have fun with Ladmiley or whatever!"

The Heavy watched the Scout stalk out. A brief silence passed. He looked around, then leaned down and whispered to his gun.

"I know, I heard. We'll show him for saying your name wrong."

****

The Engineer sat at the mess hall table, getting one of the sausages that the Medic had made them all for supper. The Scout stormed in and plopped himself down in one of the chairs.

'Somethin' wrong, boy?" The Engineer asked him.

"Oh no, everything's just fine," The Scout said, sarcastically, "This has just been one of the stupidest misadventures that giant oaf has ever led us on."

"What about that time we were on vacation in Las Vegas and he-"

"_Stupider._" The Scout insisted.

"Well, it wasn't a complete loss," The Engineer said.

He drew the Scout's attention to what looked just like a level 1 sentry, only five inches tall. As he held his sausage bun in front of it, the machine beeped, aimed, and squirted a line of mayonnaise along the sausage. The Engineer took a bite.

"Mmm, perfect amount every time," The Engineer said, "Want one?"

"…Sure," The Scout replied.


End file.
